It’s a question you hear every day: “How can I start my own manipulative, evil cable news empire?”
Today, friends, the Oracle answers.
When beginning your own multi-billion dollar cable powerhouse propaganda outlet, you must take three preliminary steps.
- Come to terms with the fact that you are evil and soulless, and will obviously do anything to acquire power over others
- Decide how you will abuse this power once you’ve attained it.
- Steal some “seed” money from a trusting person, then justify it to yourself. This is a tactic you will have to master as a media mogul!
Once you’ve done that, you’re ready to get down to brass tacks! There are certain proven methods of success, and this guide will reveal them all!
CRITERIA FOR SELECTING STORIES TO COVER:
- Stay negative (If nothing horrific is happening, you can always do a retrospective on serial killers or apartheid until something usable comes up)
- Sensationalize! Find a good group with a few bad apples you can focus on to demonize everyone (see: Roman Catholic strategy)
CRITERIA FOR SELECTING POLITICAL CANDIDATES TO COVER:
- Vapid (see: Michelle Bachmann)
- Status quo/Politically correct (see: Barack Obama, Mitt Romney)
- Corruptible (see: Clinton – either/or)
- Good looking (notable exception: Christopher Dodd)
CRITERIA FOR SELECTING AN ENEMY TO TARGET:
- Male (see: any target since the 1960s)
- White (abusive black men will be considered)
- Represented as sexist or racist (note: truth optional)
DO… Invite pretentious “experts” to judge people using convoluted pop psychology (see: Dr. Drew or Dr. Phil)
DO… Adopt a slogan that in no way describes your network’s content (see: “Fox News: Fair and Balanced”; “CNN: No Bias”)
DO… Use polls to back up whatever you want to be true (note: polls do not need to be accurate, reliable, or repeatable)
DO… Marginalize people you dislike by consistently referring to them as “fringe”, “extremist”, or “long-shot” (see: Ralph Nader)
DO… Use carefully edited sound-bytes to distort the truth (see: Shirley Sherrod)
DO… Use incendiary terms such as racist, dictatorial, and intolerant (note: the majority of your audience will never even stop to consider how ridiculously hypocritical you are)
DON’T… Provide coverage to dangerous truth-tellers (see: Ron Paul)
DON’T… Acknowledge bad behavior in people you support, even if you crucify people you dislike for the same behavior (see: Maxine Waters)
DON’T… Fact-check anyone you support in political debates (see: Al Gore)
DON’T… Call out blatantly hypocritical behavior in people you support (see: Barbra Streisand)
Special Q&A Bonus Feature
Often, we are all but forced to hide our biases. This is a tiresome fact of life for an evil cable news empire. Fortunately, there are some tried-and-true methods for working around this annoyance.
Have you been accused of “leaning” to the right or left? Of course you have! Making yourself appear to be unbiased is surprisingly easy! In addition to the tip above about choosing a network slogan that falsely represents you, simply hire a token representative who’s massively unappealing (see: the Alan Combs approach)
What if an individual or political party you don’t support gains popularity? This complex and undesirable situation requires a 3-prong strategy:
Black-out (zero coverage): This method has been very successful for ABC, MSNBC, Fox News, and China. (See: Ron Paul)
Marginalize/ridicule: Videotape backward-looking people rioting, label them as supporters of the individual or party you oppose, and play it on a loop for days on end. Cover the story as a footnote to minor news, prefaced with a phrase like, “In a bizarre speech earlier today…”
Hire a celebrity to tell people what they should think. Sean Penn is available for a per-appearance fee or a reasonable retainer. However, if you are short on cash, consider inviting Jesse Jackson on your show. He’ll do anything you want in exchange for camera time.