Ruby Lee (RL): Good morning, child. Why so irate?
Wide-eyed Baby (WEB): I was supposed to be doing Q&A with Hillary Clinton, and now her people say she isn’t taking any questions. I thought all candidates would do anything for media coverage.
RL: Most candidates will actually perform tricks, like performing seals, in exchange for media coverage. Marco Rubio will balance an apple on his nose.
WEB: I wonder why Clinton doesn’t do that? Maybe she thinks it’s unethical.
RL: (choking with laughter) That’s probably it. No, she just knows she’s going to be the Democratic nominee, no matter what. She can treat the media like garbage, and they’ll still do everything they can to get her into office.
RL: (after a startled pause) Good question. I don’t know. Anyway, you should have gotten confirmation from Hillary’s people.
WEB: I did! But her campaign manager said it was deleted. Now what am I going to do?
RL: (magnanimously) I will answer questions on Hillary’s behalf.
WEB: Did the Clinton campaign authorize this?
RL: Oh, don’t worry. Hillary and I are cool.
WEB: Okay, so you’re her stand-in. You answer questions as if you were her.
Ruby Lee (as Hillary Rodham Clinton): No comment.
WEB: You’re sort of the de facto Democratic nominee already.
RL (aHRC): More like de facto President!
WEB: Overall, how do you feel about your record as First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State?
RL (aHRC): FAN-tastic!
WEB: I’m going to play a short clip for you, then I have a follow up question.
WEB: In the general election, the Republicans are expected to press you about your role in the Benghazi attack. How will you respond to allegations of negligence like the ones Rand Paul leveled against you?
RL (aHRC): That little punk. He would’ve fired me? Wait, wait until I am the president. I’m going to revoke his citizenship. No, no, I’ll make him the ambassador to Benghazi. Ha!
WEB: Is Benghazi a country?
RL (aHRC): Shut up. Anyway, he was clearly campaigning for president there, wasn’t he? What’s more despicable? The tragedy through my negligence, or the exploitation for his campaign? I ask you.
WEB: That is a very good point. When you were the First Lady, you tried unsuccessfully to push healthcare reform. How do you feel about the Affordable Care Act?