Michael Jackson’s Death a Hoax; Psychic Friends Network in Turmoil

The late night talk show Chelsea Lately occasionally features a psychic. I don’t know his name but he has poofy hair and talks in a petulant diva voice. You know who I mean? Well, then. This gentleman claims to have spoken with Michael Jackson from beyond the grave. His assurance that Michael is doing well with the whole death thing caused the world to breathe a collective sigh of relief.

It is not for me to question a revered TV psychic’s truthfulness, but I can’t help thinking Michael Jackson’s “death” is a hoax.

What put that idea into my head? Maybe the psychic’s story is just too perfect. Maybe he’s a little too believable. The fact that he is on Chelsea Lately attests to his credibility. But it makes sense anyway. If I were MJ, I would’ve faked my death years ago. Lots of famous people have been falsely reported dead. Ernest Hemingway. Mark Twain. Some guy named Paul. But of course, those reports were mistakes, and not (as far as we know) circulated by the subjects.

MJ is a different story. If he is alive, he might have chosen to mislead the public for any number of reasons. Maybe he was trying to get out of that series of concerts he didn’t want to perform. Or he wanted to generate interest in his music to get out of debt. He may be evading future lawsuits, or paying on the older cases. He may have wanted to put an end to paparazzi stalking, and printing unflattering photos of him. (I’d do it just to read my own obituary. Reviled blogger finally dead at age 127!)

“Wacko Jacko is Alive!” can be this generation’s answer to “Elvis is Alive!” Of course, that leaves just one problem. If MJ isn’t dead, where is he? As a service to anyone who may be looking for him, I’ve compiled a short list of places where the King of Pop might be whiling away his retirement.

Possible Locales Where

Michael Jackson may have started a new life

(cue “Brand New Life” theme song from Who’s the Boss?)

  1. At your local McDonald’s Playland

    Everybody get away from the slide! I'm next!

  2. In a hospital (preferably one with pediatric and mental wards)
  3. In Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab, slowly losing the battle against Jesus juice
  4. Writing a parenting tips & tricks book under the pseudonym “Bubbles Jackson”
  5. Maybe he’s the homeless guy singing in falsetto at the intersection downtown
  6. Perhaps he’s the guy in pajamas dancing on top of your SUV
  7. Check under your bed

If you do find MJ, please let me know. We have a duty to expose the Chelsea Lately psychic’s lies. Obviously, the guy does have supernatural powers (he once revealed Chelsea Handler, who is essentially a non-smoker, had smoked cigarettes the weekend before), but it was wrong for him to drag Michael Jackson into his stories. It’s stories like this that hurt the credibility of all commercial psychics. I don’t want Miss Cleo’s reputation dragged through the mud.

"Call me now!"

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