Charlie Sheen: An Epic Reign Ends

Anyone who calls the brilliant sitcom Two and a Half Men a ‘pukefest’ is looking for a fight. The half-hour gem, beloved by all, has enriched our lives with its clever dialogue, original cinematography, and brilliant thespianship for eight years. Like most Americans, when I heard that someone had insulted the sitcom that is such a large part of the national identity, I was ready to riot. But before you grab a makeshift weapon and rush out to join the mayhem in the streets, there’s something you should know. The pukefest comment was made by Charlie Sheen.

For those of you who weren’t conscious last week, the producers of Two and a Half Men cancelled the remainder of Season 8 after Charlie Sheen granted a harmless interview in which he offered some constructive yet tactful tips to improve the show.

Audio of this appearance can be found pretty much anywhere on the Internet, if you care to listen. Charlie’s bosses listened, and let’s just say, some Jews cannot take an anti-Semitic rant. To add insult to injury, these executives are actually trying to pin the blame on Charlie, citing flimsy excuses like his escalating drug problem and affinity for terrorizing prostitutes as evidence that the problem somehow lies with him.

Charlie, sensing the international devastation over the incident, dialed into a radio show on Friday to assuage our fears. Our Hero explained he was in the Bahamas with his “porn family”, setting off a wave of relief amongst the United States prostitution community, then went on to stun his devout following with the announcement that he is in secret talks with HBO to do a better show “than this pukefest everyone worships.” (Charlie’s talks with HBO are so secret that HBO didn’t even know about them.)

This interview unveiled an ugly reality to me. Like you, whenever I envision the Two and a Half Men set, Charlie is surrounded by clamoring admirers, dispensing acting tips and general awesomeness upon all.

Just a beautiful lie…

Well, guess what. This mental picture is a delusion. In fact, the environment is “toxic” and Charlie refused to live this lie for one minute longer. As painful as it may be, it’s time to recognize and admit the role we’ve unwittingly played in this tragedy.

As mere mortals, you and I have unwittingly forced Charlie to live a lie wherein his life isn’t perfect. Even worse, that he isn’t perfect, while demanding that he continue to deliver the goods at every frickin’ turn.

Try to stay calm. Charlie knows we are limited by what our tiny brains can process, and he forgives our shortcomings. His remarkable capacity for understanding is not limited to the masses. Charlie can also apply this skill to organizational models. You may have read that he opted to forgo the traditional Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) route as a means of treatment. Instead, he conducted a thorough statistical analysis, and upon determining AA has only a 5% success rate (citation unnecessary), he wisely opted to “close his eyes and cure himself in a nanosecond.” In addition to being instant, this recovery method also has the advantage of a 100% success rate. If you’re an addict who’s worked through a painful recovery process for years, you’re probably slapping your forehead and asking, “Why didn’t I think of that?” Uh, because you aren’t Charlie “Battle-Tested Bayonets” Sheen.

                  Charlie, prior to self-cleansing.         Note the expression of the girl on the right. What the hell is wrong with her?

The only remaining question is why Charlie, renowned for his soft-spoken modesty, gave the controversial interview in the first place. Rest assured, his struggle for human rights and freedom of expression were the motivating factors. Despite the glamorous image Two and a Half Men presents to the world, Charlie was living in a veritable hell, suffering at the hands of the power-crazed producers, who not only insisted he come to work sober and take direction, but outright accord him the respect he demanded for his cocaine-snorting, hooker-abusing lifestyle. Charlie had no choice but to call out these evildoers in a radio interview, thus striking a blow for human rights everywhere.

Prior to ending the interview, Charlie brought sunshine back into our lives by stating that of course he’ll star in season nine of Two and a Half Men, provided he doesn’t have to ‘work with turds’. You may be asking yourself questions like: “Didn’t that show just get cancelled?” or “How can Charlie Sheen lay down conditions to come back to a show he just got fired from?” Well, I don’t know either, but Charlie has issued orders to his supporters to “open a beer and watch the show because it’s about to get really gnarly.” Done and done.

(Spoiler alert: Charlie has indicated that “defeat is not an option.”)

This is the face of winning.  It’s also the face of the  wino  who  asks me  for spare change every time I pass the bus stop.

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One thought on “Charlie Sheen: An Epic Reign Ends

  1. Charlie Sheen launched a charity this week, and his first project is to raise money for a baseball fan critically injured in an attack after a Los Angeles Dodgers game. The actor’s Sheen’s Corner foundation will donate profits from merchandise sales at his stage show in San Francisco on Saturday night to the “Brian Stow Fund,” Sheen representative Larry Solters .

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