The number of foodies in the United States is rising at an unprecedented rate. This poses a clear threat to everything that is good, and it’s time we addressed this growing social menace.
Let’s begin by defining the enemy.
Foodies can be men or women, and descendants of any ancestry. However, precautionary measures can be taken, and the purpose of this article is to provide a foodie profile to help negate the risk of being trapped and/or invited to dinner by a foodie. The first factor in the foodie profile is the age range, as the majority of foodies are between the ages of 25 and 50. In general, one does not become a foodie until the late 20s, coinciding with the time they have enough money to pay the rent and dine at establishments other than Taco Bell. It is rare to spot a foodie over the age of 50, presumably because society has seen fit to isolate them by that time, as they’ve had plenty of time to get over their smug food pretentiousness, but haven’t done so.
Foodies work in pairs, often in a husband-and-wife capacity. Unlike other predators in nature, foodies will convene in packs from time to time, to engage in social behaviors.
Ritualistic gatherings are held in restaurant settings, where an observer may overhear in-depth discussions about other times the foodies have dined in other restaurant settings. There is significant social pressure amongst the group to assert their membership by making nonsensical statements, such as stating that they detect hints of oak in their wine. Scientists believe that requiring a new foodie to make such statements in a public setting is part of the group’s social mores that is particularly important during initiation, similar to college hazing. The key difference is that this hazing is never over.
The second key trait in the foodie profile is a tendency to seek out enablers, who help to further the delusion that this lifestyle choice is acceptable. In fact, foodies go to great lengths to surround themselves with others who suffer from this debilitating condition.
This allows the foodies to indulge in all manner of deviant behaviors, without fear of judgment. For instance, an individual foodie dining as part of a pack may make a statement, such as, “Mmm… this hint of paprika is subtle but heavenly!” and the conversation will continue as if nothing happened. In a healthy environment, of course, anyone who uttered these words would be sucker punched or at least shunned in the true Amish sense of the word. The pack of foodies, on the other hand, are likely to not only condone the remark, but may even continue to add remarks of their own.
Foodies undergo intense physical conditioning. A legitimate foodie is capable of twisting his or her face into a half-repulsed, half-condescending sneer at a second’s notice, even while doing such non-descript things as reading a menu or passing a non-organic grocery store in their SUV hybrid. Many anthropologists believe foodies are not released into the wild until they have mastered this skill.
A foodie may be spotted by observing behavioral clues.
This includes tell-tale signs like carefully examining the ingredients listed in microscopic print on Sweet & Low packages, pausing just a moment too long on the Food Network as they channel surf, and telling people foods they especially like will almost certainly result in their death.
Finally, there’s the je ne sais quoi factor. This is what sets the foodies apart from those who are simply smug by nature. A foodie is a specialist who creates an environment wherever they go. This may be done in a number of ways, such as ensuring everyone at work sees you snacking on vegan-friendly dried fruit chips, or making unsolicited sarcastic remarks to indifferent passers-by (“oh look, a McDonald’s. Yeah, please clog up my arteries with your greasy trans-fats!”)
And now I must perform a public service announcement to bring awareness to the issue of Covert Foodies. A Covert Foodie’s appearance will set off no alarm bells, as he or she is unlikely to be sporting a palm pilot or talking about their new loft in the wine district. No, this deceptive specimen is likely to be wearing normal attire, and not using the word “quintessential”. Due to their abilities to blend in with the populace, and uncanny ability to sense naive yet friendly newcomers, the Covert Foodie presents a clear and present danger.
Covert Foodies may issue a seemingly casual invitation, such as, “Hey, we’re going to grab something to drink, you want to come?” The unfortunate, trusting souls who accept are likely to find themselves at a cramped, overpriced bodega, sipping herbal spritzers, and sharing tapas (e.g., asparagus with rosemary) on tiny plates.
Beware the Covert Foodie, as they are far more lethal than those who openly embrace the lifestyle. And don’t think they don’t use the word “quintessential”. Just give them a few carafes of spritzer, and off they go on a pretentious whirlwind.
That’s it for me. I’m gonna have a Twix for dinner and go to bed.