Despicable Things

It could be that certain things are put on earth merely to try us. The list you are about to read contains things, people, and ideas with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

At least they aren’t eating the puppies

Consider boy bands. Like the plagues of Egypt thousands of years ago, despicable things appear to from the depths of hell to senselessly torment right-thinking people. Unless you have terrible karma, you probably don’t deserve exposure to their terrible music and synchronized dancing.

Do not to become bitter. Focus on the silver lining, however faint. If not for boy bands, perhaps earplugs would not have been invented. And now, despicable things.

The injustices

  • Invasion of personal privacy
  • Cruelty to people or animals
  • Censorship – except of boy bands
  • Manipulative journalism
  • Traffic cameras (who’s watching the people who watch you?)

The tormenters

  • People who begin sentences with, “Again…”


  • People who resort to condescending endearments during a disagreement. “Sorry, hon.” or “That’s not the way it works, sweetie.” (Fortunately, there’s a special circle of hell reserved for these terrible humans.)
  • Guys in skinny jeans
  • People who are smug about eating healthy
  • Religious and/or political fanatics. Just to be clear, I think it’s good to have strong beliefs. I’m referring to people who are deliberately offensive toward anyone who doesn’t share their ideas.
  • Celebrities
  • People who care about celebrities
  • The previously discussed boy bands

Embarrassing Adverts

  • Ads for tampons/toilet paper/adult diapers. Why do they need to advertise, even? People have to buy their products.
  • Viagra commercials that feature people inexplicably sitting in bathtubs on the beach

Words that Should Never Be Tolerated

  • The overuse of the word amazing. (“This soup is amazing!” or “You look amazing!” and “Isn’t that Depends commercial amazing?”)
  • Politically correctness. Even the Biblical plagues were only pestilential toads, and not “Caucasian-American” or “vertically challenged” or “living an alternative lifestyle”.
    Just call it like you see it, already.
  • When “Milk” is pronounced “Melk”
  • Corporate slang and acronyms (Better align your core competencies to the company’s strategic goals soon, or you’ll miss all the low-hanging fruit and be forced to circle back.)

Due to the terrible nature of the last item, it’s in a category of its own:

The revival of 1980s fashion

            • The hair
            • The shoulderpads
            • The stonewashed jeans

Brace yourself for the final page of this wretched chapter of humanity. It’s nearly beyond comprehension, but there are instances in recorded history wherein a person or persons has managed to embody all that is foul in the world.

No, surprisingly this doesn’t have anything to do with The View. (Although I can absolutely see why you went there.)

I’m talking about boy bands, decked out in 1980s fashions.  This is the most despicable of things.


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