Ruby Lee (RL): Good morning, child. Why so irate?
Wide-eyed Baby (WEB): I was supposed to be doing Q&A with Hillary Clinton, and now her people say she isn’t taking any questions. I thought all candidates would do anything for media coverage.
RL: Most candidates will actually perform tricks, like performing seals, in exchange for media coverage. Marco Rubio will balance an apple on his nose.
WEB: I wonder why Clinton doesn’t do that? Maybe she thinks it’s unethical.
RL: (choking with laughter) That’s probably it. No, she just knows she’s going to be the Democratic nominee, no matter what. She can treat the media like garbage, and they’ll still do everything they can to get her into office.
RL: (after a startled pause) Good question. I don’t know. Anyway, you should have gotten confirmation from Hillary’s people.
WEB: I did! But her campaign manager said it was deleted. Now what am I going to do?
RL: (magnanimously) I will answer questions on Hillary’s behalf.
WEB: Did the Clinton campaign authorize this?
RL: Oh, don’t worry. Hillary and I are cool.
WEB: Okay, so you’re her stand-in. You answer questions as if you were her.
Ruby Lee (as Hillary Rodham Clinton): No comment.
WEB: You’re sort of the de facto Democratic nominee already.
RL (aHRC): More like de facto President!
WEB: Overall, how do you feel about your record as First Lady, Senator, and Secretary of State?
RL (aHRC): FAN-tastic!
WEB: I’m going to play a short clip for you, then I have a follow up question.
WEB: In the general election, the Republicans are expected to press you about your role in the Benghazi attack. How will you respond to allegations of negligence like the ones Rand Paul leveled against you?
RL (aHRC): That little punk. He would’ve fired me? Wait, wait until I am the president. I’m going to revoke his citizenship. No, no, I’ll make him the ambassador to Benghazi. Ha!
WEB: Is Benghazi a country?
RL (aHRC): Shut up. Anyway, he was clearly campaigning for president there, wasn’t he? What’s more despicable? The tragedy through my negligence, or the exploitation for his campaign? I ask you.
WEB: That is a very good point. When you were the First Lady, you tried unsuccessfully to push healthcare reform. How do you feel about the Affordable Care Act?
RL (aHRC): I think it’s wonderful! A major legislative achievement. The premiums are low, and the coverage is top-of-the-line.
WEB: Do you think healthcare.gov is easy to use?
RL (aHRC): (looks furtive and says nothing)
WEB: Oh, are you on a state exchange?
RL (aHRC): Hey, look! Did you see that squirrel run by? He was super furry.
WEB: Well, you do have an ACA plan, don’t you? Why wouldn’t you want low-cost, top-of-the-line coverage?
RL (aHRC): I absolutely would, but I need real coverage. You heard about my concussion, right? (winks)
WEB: (flabbergasted) It isn’t real coverage?
RL (aHRC): No, it is. It is. I honestly believe it’s good enough for you. (pats baby kindly) Anyway, the cat’s out of the bag, thanks to that idiot Gruber. The ACA will put private payers under. You’ll get single-payer in the next Clinton administration!
WEB: But I don’t want single-payer. Isn’t it sub-standard?
RL (aHRC): No. It isn’t. How would you know anyway? You were literally born yesterday.
WEB: Doesn’t take a genius. People who live in single payer countries come to the US for care, if they have the money. Governments that are single payers put their patients in hospice if first line treatment fails! How can you countenance that?
RL (aHRC): That was some squirrel.
WEB: (glowering) Let’s move on. What is your platform?
RL (aHRC): I support low taxes, amnesty, traditional family values, a large social safety net, extensive government programs, strict immigration enforcement, and gay marriage. I will accept nothing less than 100% employment!
WEB: I’m confused. Aren’t government programs paid for with high taxes? And amnesty is the polar opposite of immigration enforcement.
RL (aHRC): (conversationally) Yes, indeed.
WEB: Traditional family values candidates oppose gay marriage. And why would you need a large safety net if you had 100% employment?
RL (aHRC): Well! I think we’ve covered this topic in exhaustive detail. Let’s move on.
WEB: The media has revealed a number of serious allegations against you that could impact your candidacy.
RL (aHRC): Jerks!
WEB: Well, what is your response to accusations that you accepted money from foreign heads of state for the Clinton Foundation, in exchange for favors?
RL (aHRC): What?
RL (aHRC): FAN-tastic!
WEB: According to official guidelines, any email you send is supposed to be from your official account, so it can be catalogued and retained. Instead, you often used your personal, unsecured account to send official messages.
RL (aHRC): (slips on a pair of dark sunglasses and lights a cigarette) Yeah. So?
WEB: (incensed) You were supposed to turn your emails over to the State Department, but you had an employee permanently delete anything you deemed “personal” beforehand.
RL (aHRC): (blows smoke rings)
WEB: Who’s to say you couldn’t have deleted emails granting favors in exchange for donations to the Clinton Foundation?
RL (aHRC): (with Cheshire cat grin) Guess you’ll never know.
WEB: What is your stance on free trade?
RL (aHRC): I am proud that my husband passed NAFTA. And I strongly oppose anything that will hurt American workers.
WEB: How can you be proud of NAFTA when it was so devastating to American blue collar workers?
RL (aHRC): Well. The first part of free trade is “free”. And “free” is part of “freedom”. Don’t you like freedom?
RL (aHRC): If you like freedom, you have to support free trade.
WEB: That’s a false equivalency. You can’t earn a living wage in a factory any longer. That is legislation Bill Clinton signed and you just said you’re proud of.
RL (aHRC): Bill Clinton… Name doesn’t ring a bell. Trying to place him…
WEB: What is your stance on Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP), specifically?
RL (aHRC): (coyly) No comment.
WEB: (glares) I heard Obama once said to you, “You’re likable enough, Hillary” and that got your goat.
RL (aHRC): He’s a little punk!
WEB: He was being nice. You’re not likable enough. And you’re kind of cocky.
RL (aHRC): Likability is Bill’s department.
WEB: I’m sleepy. Imma take a nap and shake off this dystopian world view that has been thrust upon me.