Wide-eyed Baby (WEB): Hi, Wide-Eyed Baby here. Today, I continue my series of interviews with presidential candidates. Welcome, Carly Fiorina.
Carly Fiorina (CF): Well, thank you for asking that question. After having led a multi-billion dollar enterprise while remaining remarkably tan, let me first say –
WEB: I didn’t ask a question.
CF: I was called in to clean up the mess at Hewlett-Packard, you know.
WEB: Were you with a maid service?
CF: (trembling with rage) I was. The CEO. Of. A multi-billion dollar company!
WEB: Why do you want to be the president?
CF: Well, let me say this –
WEB: AURGH! Why do you guys do that?
WEB: Politicians have to preface every sentence like that: “What I want to say to you is this” or “First, let me say this” or “Here’s what I can tell you”.
CF: Let me be clear —
CF: This is about changing the system. You know, making sure our hard-earned tax dollars are not squandered by some fat cats laughing it up because they’re in the 1% and the rest of us are looking for coupons for Ramen noodles.
WEB: Right. I can’t help but notice the people who talk about income inequality are always loaded. Why?
CF: Yeah, Hillary Clinton’s the worst.
WEB: I already did an interview with Hillary Clinton. I’m asking you why you’re trying to tap into all this anger about the 1%. YOU are the 1% just as much Hillary or Jeb!™, right?
CF: I’m just a simple, hometown girl, and I know exactly what it’s like to struggle and try to save, because I’m doing the same thing. Like, you and me, we should carpool to Wal-Mart to save money on gas.
WEB: You just said you’re the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company. You and Donald Trump are probably the richest people in the race.
CF: (emits nervous shriek of laughter) CEO? Are you kidding? I was a maid there, cleaning up after the lousy 1 percenters. I’m just like you!
WEB: You just said —
CF: My mom and Marco Rubio’s mom were waitresses together at the same bar.
WEB: Err… okay Hillary Clinton, then. She’s gonna be the nominee. Why do you think you’re the Republican with the best chance to beat her?
CF: Because we’re both women.
CF: We say hateful, awful things to each other that a man would get torn to pieces for saying.
WEB: No, politics has evolved beyond that.
CF: (sneers contemptuously) Look, I’m the Indiana Jones of Corporate America. At my company, I actually rented live tigers and let them wander around the boardroom, just to keep things interesting. Women can attack other women, but men can’t. I’ve brought a clip from The View to illustrate my point.
Editor’s note: When The View was mentioned, the Wide-Eyed Baby began to whimper.
We’re only gonna watch a minute or so.
WEB: So The View says Donald Trump is a horrible person for criticizing your looks, but then they went on to say even meaner things about the way you look.
WEB: Yet they maintain it was wrong for Trump to criticize your looks?
CF: Right. If Trump does it, it’s misogynistic. If Joy Behar does it, it’s because I’m not exempt from her comedic jokes.
WEB: (overcome with a sense of wonder) Joy Behar is a comedian?
CF: Let me tell you a horrible story about Planned Parenthood –
WEB: (hurriedly interrupting) So you’re the best person to beat Hillary Clinton because you’re both women. But other than that, you’re radically unqualified for the role, right?
CF: Oh, totally. But then, so are most people in the race.
WEB: Awesome. So what do you think of the other GOP candidates?
CF: Um. Rubio is kind of hot. He and Christie have a bromance. Huckabee and I like to hang out and swap grisly abortion stories.
WEB: What about Jeb!™?
CF: It’s time for him to go, period. Get it?
WEB: (sighs) Well, what kind of guy is he?
CF: They say his brother is actually the brains in the family.
WEB: That is horrifying. Do you like Ben Carson?
CF: Good question. He always puts me to sleep before I can form an opinion of him. Have… you… noticed… how… slowly… he… talks…?
WEB: Do you like Ted Cruz?
CF: (sarcastically) Oh, who doesn’t?
WEB: (does not understand sarcasm) It’s always nice to be popular. What about Rand Paul?
WEB: Well if it isn’t you, who do you think will win the GOP nomination?
CF: I’m not gonna win.
WEB: Then which of your fellow candidates would you vote for?
WEB: But he said you were ugly!
CF: He’s going to make America great again!