Interview with a Wide-eyed Baby: the Carly Fiorina Edition



Q&A with Wide-eyed Baby

Q&A with Wide-eyed Baby

Wide-eyed Baby (WEB): Hi, Wide-Eyed Baby here. Today, I continue my series of interviews with presidential candidates. Welcome, Carly Fiorina. 

Carly Fiorina (CF): Well, thank you for asking that question. After having led a multi-billion dollar enterprise while remaining remarkably tan, let me first say –

WEB: I didn’t ask a question. 

CF: I was called in to clean up the mess at Hewlett-Packard, you know.

WEB: Were you with a maid service?

CF: (trembling with rage) I was. The CEO. Of. A multi-billion dollar company!

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WEB: Why do you want to be the president?

CF: Well, let me say this –

WEB: AURGH! Why do you guys do that? 

CF: What?

WEB: Politicians have to preface every sentence like that: “What I want to say to you is this” or “First, let me say this” or “Here’s what I can tell you”. 

CF: Let me be clear —

WEB: (groans)

CF: This is about changing the system. You know, making sure our hard-earned tax dollars are not squandered by some fat cats laughing it up because they’re in the 1% and the rest of us are looking for coupons for Ramen noodles.

WEB: Right. I can’t help but notice the people who talk about income inequality are always loaded. Why?

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CF: Yeah, Hillary Clinton’s the worst.

WEB: I already did an interview with Hillary Clinton. I’m asking you why you’re trying to tap into all this anger about the 1%. YOU are the 1% just as much Hillary or Jeb!™, right?

CF: I’m just a simple, hometown girl, and I know exactly what it’s like to struggle and try to save, because I’m doing the same thing. Like, you and me, we should carpool to Wal-Mart to save money on gas.

WEB: You just said you’re the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company. You and Donald Trump are probably the richest people in the race.

CF: (emits nervous shriek of laughter) CEO? Are you kidding? I was a maid there, cleaning up after the lousy 1 percenters. I’m just like you!

WEB: You just said —

CF: My mom and Marco Rubio’s mom were waitresses together at the same bar.

WEB: Err… okay Hillary Clinton, then. She’s gonna be the nominee. Why do you think you’re the Republican with the best chance to beat her?

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CF: Because we’re both women.

WEB: So?

CF: We say hateful, awful things to each other that a man would get torn to pieces for saying.

WEB: No, politics has evolved beyond that. 

CF: (sneers contemptuously) Look, I’m the Indiana Jones of Corporate America. At my company, I actually rented live tigers and let them wander around the boardroom, just to keep things interesting. Women can attack other women, but men can’t. I’ve brought a clip from The View to illustrate my point.

Editor’s note: When The View was mentioned, the Wide-Eyed Baby began to whimper.

We’re only gonna watch a minute or so.

WEB: So The View says Donald Trump is a horrible person for criticizing your looks, but then they went on to say even meaner things about the way you look.

CF: Yes.

WEB: Yet they maintain it was wrong for Trump to criticize your looks? 

CF: Right. If Trump does it, it’s misogynistic. If Joy Behar does it, it’s because I’m not exempt from her comedic jokes.

WEB: (overcome with a sense of wonder) Joy Behar is a comedian?

CF: Let me tell you a horrible story about Planned Parenthood –

WEB: (hurriedly interrupting) So you’re the best person to beat Hillary Clinton because you’re both women. But other than that, you’re radically unqualified for the role, right?

CF: Oh, totally. But then, so are most people in the race.

WEB: Awesome. So what do you think of the other GOP candidates?

CF: Um. Rubio is kind of hot. He and Christie have a bromance. Huckabee and I like to hang out and swap grisly abortion stories.

WEB: What about Jeb!™?

CF: It’s time for him to go, period. Get it?

WEB: (sighs) Well, what kind of guy is he?

CF: They say his brother is actually the brains in the family.

WEB: That is horrifying. Do you like Ben Carson?

CF: Good question. He always puts me to sleep before I can form an opinion of him. Have… you… noticed… how… slowly… he… talks…?

WEB: Do you like Ted Cruz?

CF: (sarcastically) Oh, who doesn’t?

WEB: (does not understand sarcasm) It’s always nice to be popular. What about Rand Paul?

CF: Who?

WEB: Well if it isn’t you, who do you think will win the GOP nomination? 

CF:  I’m not gonna win.

WEB: Then which of your fellow candidates would you vote for?

CF:  Trump.

WEB: But he said you were ugly!

CF:  He’s going to make America great again!





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