Primary Candidate Analysis: Jasich

Part 5/7 of this series on the primary candidates

Jasich (combination of Jeb!™ and Kasich since they are virtually indistinguishable)


 (Jeb goes first since he's richer)

(Jeb goes first since he’s richer)

  • What is there to love? NOTHING!! Not one little microscopic hint of anything.
  • What is there to hate? Oh, my goodness. How much time do you have? To catalogue the sins of either of these fools would require a team of specialists with the world’s most advanced computer software. What don’t we just talk representative failures? Jeb!™ Bush is more or less staying in the race purely and simply to antagonize the public by refusing to go. He doesn’t have to, no matter how low his poll numbers are or how many primaries he loses. Take that,  America!

    Jeb!™ is very Establishment, and the worst kind of Republican – the Legacy Republican, who exists solely to rig the game for special interests. Florida switched their primary rules specifically to benefit him by making the Florida delegates winner-take-all, assuming he would win the state’s primary. Jeb!™ isn’t exactly corrupt, because he isn’t knowingly taking orders from special interests who call the shots – he just doesn’t know what else to do. Somebody has to tell him what to think (it isn’t as though he’s suddenly going to think for himself, is it?).

    All of this can be applied to John Kasich, minus being rich. Apart from money, there is only one difference between them: Kasich has a catchphrase. “I mean, come on, guys!” will go down in history as one of the worst catchphrases ever. Would it be so much to ask Kasich to come up with something just a little less irritating? I don’t think Bart Simpson is using Cowabunga! anymore.

    I wonder if there is any rivalry within Jasich. With the two of them so alike, it would be hard to establish a real sense of identity. If there is a competition, it would have to be something they are both able to do, which limits the field pretty severely. But if they were, say, battling it out for the title of Most Unappealing, it would explain their entire campaign strategy in a way that nothing else does.

    Fun fact about Jasich: They love the phrase “tearing families apart”, and use it to describe everything from taxes, to the prevalence of meth in impoverished areas, to illegal immigration, to fantasy football. Seriously, listen for it in the next debate. But don’t turn it into a drinking game unless you have a designated driver on hand.

  • What is there to fear? If the specter of a Jasich presidency doesn’t make you seek refugee status in some far-off country, you are a braver person than I.
  • What does it mean if they win? It means the world has gone mad. Absolutely, stark, raving mad.

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