Primary Candidate Analysis: Marco Rubio

Part 6/7 of this series on the primary candidates

Marco Rubio


  • What is there to love? Well, he’s really good looking for one thing. And we share an all-consuming love of high-heels. And he’s really good looking.
  • What is there to hate? Rubio is an interventionist. A bona-fide member of Team America, World Police. A McCain in the making. And he’s lying shamelessly about his stance on illegal immigration.
  • What is there to fear? Rubio is clearly the Establishment candidate, if Jasich fails. Sorry, when Jasich fails. And when his programming misfired at the debate right before the New Hampshire primary, it should have sent chills down your back to think of this empty shell doing the Establishment’s bidding.

    There he stood, mindlessly repeating the same phrase over and over, like that time Milli Vanilli was singing “Girl You Know It’s True” to a stadium filled with soon-to-be-former fans, and the audio started skipping. It was like seeing behind the mask for a moment.

  • What does it mean if he wins? It means the Establishment 2.0 release has repaired a number of glitches.



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